The Literary Book of Answers

Just behind Anne of Green Gables and To Kill a Mockingbird there is a third favorite book. Unlike the aforementioned classics, this one is lesser known and a different genre. It is known as The Literary Book of Answers by Carol Bolt. This is how it works, as per the instructions on the back:

1. Hold the CLOSED book in your hand, on your lap, or on a table.
2. Take 10 or 15 seconds to concentrate on your question. Questions should be phrased closed-end, e.g. "is the job I'm applying for the right one?" or "should I travel this weekend?"
3. While visualizing or speaking your question (one question at a time), place ONE HAND palm down on the book's front cover and STROKE THE EDGE of the pages, back to front.
4. When you sense that the time is right, OPEN the book and there will be your answer.
5. REPEAT the process for as many questions as you have.

The literary answers range from Aeschylus' Agamemnon to Zora Neale Hurston's Their Eyes Were Watching God. The book is quite accurate, although the front matter explains "Hyperion and the author of this book take no credit or responsibility for what The Literary Book of Answers advises or results thereof. Tonight we asked The Book if Carolyn should go to ward FHE. The answer was a commanding, "You must go," by W. Somerset Maugham: "The Verger."

So, according to The Book, this is how my future will unfold:

Will I get a job anytime soon? "You shall not fail." --Sophocles: Oedipus Rex
Will I get married in the next year? "Lump the whole thing!" --Mark Twain: The Innocents Abroad
Will Obama's socialized Health Plan go through? "It is a far, far better thing." --Charles Dickens: A Tales of Two Cities
Should I get a flu shot? "Might be happy all the same that way." --James Joyce: Ulysses
Should I go eat some ice cream? "Change your ideas of what you want." --Euripides: Hippolytus
And most importantly, will I win the Scoresby Scamper? "Begin with the beginning." --Lord Byron: Don Juan

If you need any important questions answered, I will be available with The Literary Book of Answers during daytime and evening hours. But first I must skip the ice cream and go train for the race.